I would rather hurt than feel nothing at all....

Not true for me...It is a rare occasion that I date....for me it has never been something that I just do. I am not sure why? I guess for me it has been that I do not necessarily want to spread my soul so thin.

So when I do finally open myself up it is with someone that traditionally I stay with for some time.

Then after an emotional upset I shut down...why do I continue to reboot for something so undeserving and for something deserving I run?

Am I simply a detriment to myself? A cynical believer or a hopeless bitch?
Does romance exist and it what form?

I recently dated someone who claimed to be in love with romance...but I was never so fortunate as to experience it with him.

If I were to compare my love life with a game of roulette I would say I have been a risk taker believeing that I could win on double zero...believing in double zero.
When all of that time I should have been betting on black. Black is safe...black has the best odds.
For the first time in my life I bet on black...I played it safe...I found someone who I knew there was no chance of losing.
Well black lost again....I mean the safest bet ever and it was like some drunk guy came up and fell on the middle of my safely bet on black chips and unbenounce to myself or the dealer knocked my chips right off the table.

So I say would I rather hurt than feel nothing at all?
No...I pray once again for numb for nothing for my cynical side to overtake me...to get lost in a drug induced coma...to numb my pain with alcohol....
Instead for the first time I am not...I am feeling al of it...going through the motions
I put myself out there once again and it hurts

Why do I keep doing this to myself? I should just dowse myself in my work and wake up at 50 alone....or with the loyal company of my computer and career.