Candy Coated Sunshine

Wrote this a couple years ago too...

Wednesday, May 07, 2008

I'm dead I died The fear of death does not become me. Death is like a prize...when? why? soon? how? Numb...that is me I don't know how to love. Pain...I understand Happiness...I get Numb washes over my body.. How can no emotion become your emotion? Amazing in a sense of that sense What is that sense? not the 6th one... The one that you hear but never quite feel. If I felt it I would not have listened, had I heard it I would have never felt it. The sense of something taking over all feelings...just consistently being. being... Being what? Being who I am today? I danced at night in the rain with my head sprung, my tongue tasting what the sky put in my mouth. Taste...a sense...my taste...a joke Smell...I love the smell of Sunday Sight...I love the sight of lovers in a park...sweet seduction and serenity of the mind. Touch...my heart...haha...there is no heart...only touch Listen...to my monastary...the one in my chest...the purgatory I am locked in. They handed me my life like I deserved it...

Crystal Blue

I wrote this a while back...some old poetry...

Saturday, May 10, 2008

I hate you...you made me hate life...because you hate yourself! My life use to have meaning and purpose, now I live with regret and due time. When will things change for me? in due time? I should never entertain myself with such thoughts... I never saw anything...it was like a shepard in the night or a blind man at a picture show. No emotion...I pushed you away...so consistent you were that I was the one that got drug down. Addiction, maybe that was you? You drug me down like a virus, disease, infection that I could not shake. What I am to you? What I am to you? Good question. Am I love, am I hate, am I what should of, could of, but never did? Never did? ....story of my life...all the things I never did! I would never, should never, could never, because it was never worth it. Now nothing is worth it. What is worth? meaning that we portray meaning on something that we should have never wasted time on in the first place... There is no feeling in the world like wasting time whether good or bad. I want to, wanted to, would have wasted my time with you. If you really sit back and think about it...I love you which means nothing to me anymore...should be replaced with...I want to waste my time with you! Waste my God given time, you however, were never worth it... Was anyone ever worth it? Nothing has changed but my age and my pant size. No one is perfect, especially in the grand scheme of sugar coated emotions. Have you ever been decieved, persuaded by something that never existed in the first place? Maybe people don't make up themselves...we make them up for our own selfishness. My own approval....I approved my own approval! Praises to my imagination...and spellbound by your performance I was!

I would rather hurt than feel nothing at all....

Not true for me...It is a rare occasion that I date....for me it has never been something that I just do. I am not sure why? I guess for me it has been that I do not necessarily want to spread my soul so thin.

So when I do finally open myself up it is with someone that traditionally I stay with for some time.

Then after an emotional upset I shut down...why do I continue to reboot for something so undeserving and for something deserving I run?

Am I simply a detriment to myself? A cynical believer or a hopeless bitch?
Does romance exist and it what form?

I recently dated someone who claimed to be in love with romance...but I was never so fortunate as to experience it with him.

If I were to compare my love life with a game of roulette I would say I have been a risk taker believeing that I could win on double zero...believing in double zero.
When all of that time I should have been betting on black. Black is safe...black has the best odds.
For the first time in my life I bet on black...I played it safe...I found someone who I knew there was no chance of losing.
Well black lost again....I mean the safest bet ever and it was like some drunk guy came up and fell on the middle of my safely bet on black chips and unbenounce to myself or the dealer knocked my chips right off the table.

So I say would I rather hurt than feel nothing at all?
No...I pray once again for numb for nothing for my cynical side to overtake me...to get lost in a drug induced coma...to numb my pain with alcohol....
Instead for the first time I am not...I am feeling al of it...going through the motions
I put myself out there once again and it hurts

Why do I keep doing this to myself? I should just dowse myself in my work and wake up at 50 alone....or with the loyal company of my computer and career.

Lovers

I just don't get people why can't they just be honest with each other and say what they need to say ... I've always struggled with that ... How friends or even worse serious romantic relationships can just dissolve like its nothing when I once shared intimate secrets and desires etc and then Boom...gone not even acknowledged...wierd...maybe I should start a blog